Breaking - My Pet Spaniel to run for Congress in the 3rd Congressional as an Independent

Shortly before Brian Baird read the writing on the wall that told him and every other sentient being that could read that he had a better chance to win the Powerball Lottery than he did to get re-elected, the 3rd Congressional District gained a new resident, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel puppy named "Oliver." 

In view of the fact that almost every high-functioning moron has signed up for the free publicity and their 15 seconds of fame, Oliver is announcing his candidacy for the position of Congressman for the 3rd Congressional District of the State of Washington. Oli is a member of the Independent Dog Party. He offers a new perspective (from about the knee, down) that no other candidate will provide. "When I reviewed some of the names popping up, the vast majority of whom having as much chance of winning as I do of singing opera, I knew I had to throw a bone in the ring," he said this morning at his announcement. "There are people who've announced since Baird chickened out that I wouldn't allow to run an elevator for me even if they had a chance to win. So, like them, I figured I'd run it up the fire hydrant and see what happened," Oli said. "I knew I could pull more votes then anyone supporting that ungodly waste of dog biscuits called the I-5 Bridge replacement with loot rail. Besides, none of the designs for that total waste contain any dog parks in it, and I'm simply not going to have that. We need a place to pee on that project!"
 

 

 

 Announced candidate for the 3rd Congressional District seat now held by Brian Baird, Oliver, relaxes after a tough press conference in his campaign office.

 

 

 

When asked what his platform will be, Oliver looked thoughtful in between chomps on one of his numerous chew toys. "I didn't make this decision to lift my leg on the others with no chance, but I couldn't just let a bunch of other no-name, no-chance types manipulate the media and suck all of the puppy chow out of the room without taking my own shot at it," Oliver said. "Clearly, politics have been going to the dogs for quite some time now, and with the announcement of yet another no-name, no-chancer, I knew I had to do this."

"Two bones in every pot, and a dog house in every yard with either cable or directv," Oliver went on. "My fellow pups don't have enough to chew on, so they cause hundreds of millions of dollars every year in damage to chewed shoes and furniture. That kind of abuse has to stop!"

Oliver yawned at that point, and jumped up on one of the office couches. Like most politicians, talking exhausted him. "I've been awake for 15 minutes now, so it's time for my nap," he concluded. His campaign manager, Minnie, promised further updates as events move... hopefully, out in the back yard. .