Friday, April 01, 2011

Major About Face! Leavitt, Stuart and Boldt hold press conference, reverse position, and now demand a vote!

In a stunning turn of events which delighted those supporting true democracy and responsive government while confounding those who support sweetheart deals, corruption, bribery, wasting billions and ignoring the will of the people they would govern, the Three Liarteers suddenly switch positions today and have demanded a vote for the people!

Tim "The Liar" Leavitt led off with a prepared statement.
"Look, I know I screwed thousands of voters into believing me when I repeatedly lied to them about my toll position. Man, were they mad at me that I had fooled them so badly, or what?

"But I was JUUUUUST kidding! (Gene Wilder voice ON) Can't you people TAKE A JOKE?" (/Gene Wilder voice OFF)

"NOTHING is more important to me then the will of the people," Leavitt went on. "People, we need to forget all that campaign stuff and my efforts to silence the opposition to the bridge plan at city council meetings, or having my girlfriend get up and call the opposition a bunch of liars. We need to MOVE ON, and that's why I'm switching my position, because, well, God knows I have enough experience in switching positions.  Just ask what's-her-face."

Leavitt concluded, "the people MUST VOTE!"

Stuart was next up:

"I had been living in a dream world, actually believing that the people supported this endless, agonizing fiscal rape that would go on at least as long as *I* lived. But it's become clear over the past few weeks that I needed to adjust my dosage upwards in an effort to find something approaching reality."

Stuart went on, "As a wholly owned union hack, voluntarily enslaved by the downtown mafia, looking to curry their support over the needs, wants and desires of my constituency, I've come to find out that even I have my limits."

"When I found out that they'd wasted $400 million in Seattle without turning a shovel on the SR 520 plan, I was faced with a decision, and no, it wasn't, 'Gee, I wonder how we can do the same thing?'"

Steve concluded by saying "Look, I realized I took credit for setting up a required vote as if it was my idea as a part of my campaign last October, but dude... I HAD to come up with something. So what if I lied about having a vote this November? Lying is what I do, and besides, it worked, didn't it? And didn't it work for Leavitt?"

"In closing, the PEOPLE MUST VOTE!"
Boldt, who had told his brother in law to his face that he would make sure an advisory vote took place last November, just stood there and smiled, nodding and saying stuff we couldn't quite catch.

A mass drowning in a huge pool of lattes by Identity Vancouver members has been scheduled for 2:00 PM today in Chester Snort Park.
"How could they do this to us?" sobbed a distraught Ganger Metlife, head honcho of Identity Vancouver. "We had an agreement," Metlife whined. "We TOLD them we'd make sure they'd be 'taken care of' if they would just screw the electorate and bury us in billions of debt while enslaving the commuting public with a life-long toll," Metlife sniveled.
Don Wagonguy, who had told us years ago there was nothing wrong with the current bridge but who, nonetheless, found himself appointed to head this side of the effort, was distraught.
"Even though I know there's no reason to waste billions on this sorry effort to screw the people of Clark County, I will join them on a symbolic level. I, personally, will be sipping a Trenta with 6 extra shots while they drown themselves in lattes. It will be a thing of beauty."

A tear rolled down his cheek as he concluded, "guess I'd better go polish my resume'. There's no way this thing would ever be built if anyone outside of the downtown mafia ever voted on it."
I understand that local news outlets will be carrying this live, so I'll post videos as soon as I can get them.

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Enjoy!